Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
is my only means of relaxation.
the health food. I
need all the preservatives I can get.
are those who hunger and thirst,
for they are sticking to their diets.
is an endless struggle full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.
you know why women over fifty don't have babies;
they would put them down somewhere
and forget where they left them.
of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of
candy can make you gain five pounds.
put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
reducer; Put a bag on your head.
Mark it "closed for remodeling".
*Caution - leave air holes.
finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing in the right place,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
nice part of living in a small town is that when
I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.
I think I understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.
at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.
don't mind the rat race, but I could
do with a little more cheese.
had to give up jogging for my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
You just hang something in your closet
for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
is bad to suppress laughter;
it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
is important only if you're cheese.
only time a woman wishes she were a
year older is when she is expecting a baby.
of the press means no-iron clothes.
some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
but she can usually be sedated with
a few pieces of chocolate cake.
it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "
DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
if you love peace and quiet.
my driving, I'm reloading.
the high cost of living,
have you noticed how it remains so popular?
is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.